mouseofspace

this place is a prison
and these people aren't your friends
inhaling thrills through their twenty dollar bills
and the tumblers are drained and then flooded again

and again

there's guards at the on ramps
armed to the teeth
and you may case the grounds
from the cascades to puget sound
but you are not permitted to leave

I know there's a big world out there
like the one I saw on the screen
in my living room late last night
it was almost too bright to see
and I know that it's not a party
if it happens every night
pretending there's glamour and candelabra
when you're drinking by candlelight

what does it take
to get a drink in this place?

what does it take,
 
how long must I wait?



-Postal Service

In the last week I signed the lease for my new house, became two thousand dollars in debt, and considered becoming an escort to make it all back. Fortunately for me I have herpes and can't get into the biz, so I'm stuck selling more drugs. I've also considered killing myself and once again realized I was too much of a pussy to do it. Lucky me. So the next month is going to be Hell, and I have a feeling the next fifty years are only going to get worse. Welcome to fucking adulthood. All bets are out the window.

 We got the house. Desperate measures paid off and I'm not in jail~ Fuck yeah. So it's in Greenlake on the corner of Weedin ave. I live super close to Caitilin and Whole Foods which is pretty rad. It's a duplex and we're going to live on the top floor, two bedrooms for $1025 a month is pretty good, I myself am satisfied~ So if anybody has any old tapestries they don't want anymore or any christmas lights it would be much appreciated~ I have some tapestries but no lights and I would really like to make it as pretty as possible!! =^__^= 

 

So yeah if you didn't get me anything for my birthday tapestries and Christmas lights would be rad, and any extra cute furry colorul raver fabric you have and don't want~

 Desperate times call for desperate measures. 

I just found out my mom is drinking again. I have never been so scared. I don't know what to do.

I guess I have to face facts, my parent's aren't getting back together. I really do only have four more days to grow up, and right now all I want is just one day where I don't even have to think about it. I'm just scared and nervous, but all bad things come to pass in the end and eventually we all get ours.

Today and tomorrow I have to run around a ton and get everything for my new room. Ugh full length mirror, matress, christmas lights. But it all just seems pointless.

Anyways, if you have a car and wanna help me, it'd be much appreciated, but I really doubt it'll work into anybody's time schedule.

So I freaked out, but a good friend talked some sense into me. I just feel so hopeless, but all I have to remember is I will be out of this house and this part of my life in just one more month. Just one more!! UUUUGH I have to keep going and just stay positive. Like mega super hardcore positive~

I feel empty. I've been single for a while now and I'm convinced it's what I want but my heart is telling me differently. But everytime I follow my heart I fall in love with some jackass who seems nice and then just turns out to be really atrocious in reality.


ugh, I hate my taste in boys. But there is a new boy, who is not quite a boy. A boy that actually took me on a date. And paid for it. Skyler never once paid for our dates, it was always all on me and it felt so lovely not to have to worry about it. But I  am certainly not getting my hopes up. I know I feel like I want a boyfriend but I know that once it happens it's going to end in shit. It always does. Always.

 

Cake is coming home today~! She'll only be here for a couple days and then she'll be at Critical Massive for the weekend but I am so excited!!

If ever I was scared I can't ever be again~


Everything is changing, EVERYTHING. Nobody is the same anymore and everything in different. Even I am changing. It breaks my heart into a million little pieces. I feel so alone.

"I am, I'm ready to be new again, I'm ready to hear you say who I am is quite enough."

You get me closer to God. 

I hoped it wouldn't cross my mind even.

Again
I wanted clean
and dry
but it's all adrenaline
it's all hopeless.
It's all relief

finally.


I've been getting rid of all the stuff I don't need when I move pretty soon here. I have a lot of useless crap and it's taking forever to organize. I guess I might sell most of my old clothes in Seattle, and give the rest of my stuffs to Goodwill. Maybe then I will get the motivation to make more clothes for this weekend, but first I need more thread.


blah blah none of this really matters anyway. meow meow

My heart used to pitter patter~
All the time.

Everything is going pretty smoothly. I found a few really affordable options for moving out, and I particularly lyke the idea of living in the U-District right by school, even if it means living with junkies. And only $350 a month sounds really rad. I'm super close to having a job too, one of my old employers hit me up again asking if I needed work and it's super super good pay. With the $800 a month from death benefits I'll be getting for being in school full time I won't have to work too much to afford everything else. Which is fantastic because I really do want to concentrate on school and stuffs.



blah blah I don't think I'm going to Prosperity after all but whatever, there are other festivals this summer,

meow meow off to make synthdreads with Angel~ =^__^=

And now I have no ride to Prosperity, so if any of you are going and have room in your car, I would be happy to join you~ :] I'm small and compact and can fit anywhere!! :O 


meow 4252468997 give me a call or text, whatever.

The show Last night was fucking fantastic! XD I had so SO much fun going to see Bassnectar with Cake. The Showbox Market is a rad venue and Bassnectar blew all our vochal chords. Cake and I didn't miss dancing for more than two seconds when Bassnectar was on, though it hurts like bloody hell now :P Afterwards we went to the after party at Church of Bass. It was massive fun too and the music was so wonderful!! Hipsters in shiny clothes playing saxaphones!! :D 


meow I'm signed up for driving lessons that will last a month~ Then I get to move out and get a car. And I have to start WORKING!! Lyke real working that has a schedule and stuffs. Guh, do not want.

haha my previous blog entry was NOT about YOU!! I realized some of you may get the wrong idea after reading it again.

mm hmm
It's not about you, conceited.


I'm off to Bassnectar<3

Staying sober failed epically, Cake and I ended up drinking two bottles of wine at Art walk, and Kyle drank some too. I had a lot of fun  though, but I was so drunk that I became sufficiently and unnervingly awkward and shy around someone super cute. -___- I failed at social conversation and opted to avoid the situation and save myself from embarrassment. God I wish I weren't so awkward. :/

Tomorrow is Bassnectar and I am one happy panda~ =^__^=